Well I certainly fell off of the face of the earth in regards to this website. I had intended to do at least biweekly blog posts related to LGBT health, but I’m sure it is no surprise that a little more than 6 months into my life as an attending that the entire world decided to fall apart. I do hope you are doing well, all things considered. If you feel like you are on a roller-coaster of emotions staring at a track that is headed into a brick wall, then yes you too are living in 2020.
While I can say that I was trained in infection control and safety measures, I was not adequately prepared emotionally/psychologically to handle what this pandemic has thrown at me. How do you explain to people that they need to isolate themselves from those that they love? How do you not internalize that? How can insurance companies still be denying insulin and blood thinners during a global pandemic? Healthcare disparities have only been amplified, and the “have nots” are quite literally being killed at an exponential rate. If there has ever been a case for universal health care, this health care crisis has certainly highlighted the necessity for free and ample access to basic health care that most Americans simply do not have.
Something that has helped me immensely during these anxiety provoking times has been writing. I have never been a “writer” per se, but I found it very therapeutic to reflect on my life in its totality so that I could try and make some sense of the mess that 2020 has been so far. 180 pages later, I have an autobiographical memoir of my “Mostly Horizontal Gay Life”. Maybe it will be published, maybe it will be a Vlog series where I have guests read it and react to it with me, or maybe it will just sit in my google doc indefinitely…who knows. But it sure helped me organize my thoughts around my own life…the good, the bad, and the truly ugly. But looking back it has mostly been hilarious and full of great experiences. I also recommend paint-by-number custom photos!
As of late, I have felt disconnected from everything, much like most of my patients and friends. I am so thankful for my job because when I’m at work I mean something…I offer utility, guidance, knowledge, support, and I can purposefully affect people’s lives. There are tangible gains to the advice or knowledge that I can give people but every day that this pandemic and now civil unrest goes on I feel less and less connected to myself and to everyone around me. I push the limits of my own reality to remind myself that I am indeed alive but I am ultimately scared just like everyone else. I went sky-diving on a whim, and it did not even get my heart beat above 80 beats per minute. It was actually the most relaxed I have felt in months…jumping out of a fucking plane. How that makes any sense is beyond explanation. I have always been an adrenaline junkie, but not getting a rise out of being 10,000 feet in the air is insane. I do hope you are also doing things to keep you happy and healthy as well. Like skydiving.
Netflix released a docuseries called “Lenox Hill” that does the most beautiful job at showing what medical care is like from both the physcians side as well as the patients in New York City. Somehow they were allowed to film during the pandemic, and during one of the last scenes you see the most put together, stoic, unbotherable ER doctor COMPLETELY break down in her car when she returns to her empty home; she is too high risk to be around her husband and child and is distancing herself to make sure they do not become ill and die. To put this in context, one of the first scenes in the series, pre-pandemic, is her lancing an anal abscess, chatting about unprotected sex and the need to “get clean” so this kid can get his life together. She reminds me so much of myself… well, minus the husband and kids, but I like to think that I can keep my shit held together during awkward and hard moments. They started playing this song which sent me into a spiral for the next hour:
Wave-Beck
I move away from this place
In the form of a disturbance
And enter into the world
Like some tiny distortion
If i surrender
And I don’t fight this wave
I won’t go under
I’ll only get carried away
Wave
Wave
Wave
Isolation
Isolation
Isolation
Isolation
What is real? What is truth? What is love? Why do we do the things that we do? Why do I still want a cheesy gordita crunch even though I know it will give me diarrhea? I feel like I am an insignificant dot on a slightly larger insignificant dot hurling around through space inside of that marble on the neck of the cat in the Men in Black. What are we working so hard for? In the words of Big Ang… why should I save another cent because I could just drop dead tomorrow.
But fear not for me, my 5 readers of this blog! If this mess has taught me anything, you need to refocus your energies locally and close to you…which I had not been doing, pretty much ever. I have always been trying to expand my world outside of the confines of my actual tangible world. However, the past 6 months have forced me to make friendships that I know will last the rest of my life…locally! Finally friends that are not a 6 hour flight away. What a remarkable idear!
Trauma pours gasoline on your problems, lights the match, and eats a bucket of popcorn while you scramble to learn how to put the fire out. I was lucky enough to have a group of people here who braved seeing me in real life very early in this pandemic for which I owe them my life. Be thankful for what you do have, and stop focusing on what you don’t have.
Love those around you who deserve your time and energy. Love yourself. Be forgiving to yourself and others for figuring out how to operate in this weird new world. Be kind. Cry when you need to. Exercise. Eat well, but also indulge from time to time. Life is all about balance and mitigated risk…and just like you look both ways before you cross the street you have to figure out a way to navigate this world without being totally isolated. Humans are innately social creatures and we crave true human interaction that is irreplaceable with a Zoom call. Find your circle of trust. Community is more important now than ever before.
Gratitude not attitude my friends.
Also VOTE!
What other topics do you all want me to broach? ❤
Peace and love
Dr. Jack O'Brien 